Abortion!

This is how I feel about abortion:

You’re all a bunch of idiots.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t the easiest opening statement to swallow. You want a standard response? Here it is: It should be a woman’s right to choose what she does with her body, and it’s an easy thing for a Catholic man, who is already biased against women (and don’t even try to say it isn’t true), to simplify and understate the issue by saying, “It stops being her body the moment of conception.” Anyone who is a parent, who has spent a significant amount of time around children, and/or has a semblance of prescience about them when observing the familially endowed, knows that a child doesn’t stop being a part of its mother’s body until somewhere around the age of six, and even then it’s a trial separation at best. Furthermore, some women don’t deserve to be mothers, or some men be fathers, and between an abused childhood or a lifetime playing puppydog eyes to prospective parents at the orphanage, abortion is probably the best thing for them anyway. Yeah, that’s a shitty thing to say, but it’s a damned shitty world we live in. Am I saying abortions should be handed out on every corner like newspapers and sex? God, no. There should be regulations. Not just any old Jane with a bun in the oven should be able to walk into her local abortionarium and ask to have her baby skewered on a wire hanger; however, every such Jane should have the option available to them. As for the picketing Christian sect, what I like to call the “bleeding-heart conservatives,” who say that it’s God’s Will that abortion be illegal, well, that’s pretty fucking presumptuous, don’t you think? Here’s a Dude that built the entire universe in seven days, crafted every animal from the dirt under His Holiest of Fingernails, and somehow we know the finer points of His design. Here’s the thing I don’t get; isn’t the whole “born again” philosophy about the freedom of choice? Doesn’t its power come from choosing to be saved, rather than being forced? Ever since there was an Adam to drunkenly force himself upon the blushing virginal Eve, there has been the branch from the Tree of Wisdom used as a cattle prod for the unborn. God gave us the right to curse, the right to kill, the right to fuck, and the right to abort. What right do any of us have to subvert that Greatest of Authority?

Okay, that’s a lot to take in. It’s opinionated and purposefully offensive. And you know what’s even better? It’s all entirely pointless!

Fuck abortion!

Who gives a shit, am I right?

I say, “Abortion!” and you say, “Are you Pro-Life or Pro-Choice?”

Do you want to know what I am? I am Pro-Please-Shut-Your-Whiney-Fucking-Face-And-Get-Over-Yourself. Hey, look at that! I’m being offensive again!

Everyone loooooves to talk about abortion. You know why? Because it’s the unwinnable argument. Pick a side, any side, and I guarantee you there is a valid point to be made for it. There is no right or wrong answer, because no matter how many times you say, “Murder is wrong,” there is still the whole, “Freedom of choice” thing, and vice versa. Abortion is not an issue. It’s not a problem. Fuck, in the historical reference guide of mankind’s many, MANY blunders, abortion is barely even a footnote.

I wish we lived in a world where abortion was the worst thing we had to worry about. We could debate it over glasses of wine while sitting in our hand-sewn embroidered chairs, each one talking from one side of the ocean to the other by way of a digital conference call, while the local plebes ride their bicycles while wearing helmets and pads, and drive to work in their hybrid cars from homes powered by the sun. Maybe we’d reach an end to this debate and decide to watch some CNN, and they’d tell us about how the icebergs are back and better than ever, how crime and murder has dropped 4000%, and how the cure for “the gay” has finally been distributed to all the formerly same-sex couples in the world.

But hey! We don’t live in that obviously biased fantasyland.

Let’s examine, for a moment, the world that we DO live in.

In America, unemployment rates are soaring, people are committing more crimes in more ways, cops are competent half the time and too competent the other half of the time. We plaster on every wall pictures of a thin race of beautiful people that passed into memory decades ago, all the while putting a McDonald’s and a Starbucks on every corner. The concept of “small business” has gone almost the way of the dodo, being too slow and too small to keep up with its corporate cousins. For every corner book store run by a local baby boomer with an obsession for the literary arts, there are fifty Barnes & Nobles that hike their prices and buy out all their competitor’s stock. As technology progresses at an alarming rate, the American people is becoming more and more confused by its country’s criss-crossed sense of morals. The political system has long since forgotten where it started, and very few people realize that we have become the very society we ran away from three hundred years ago. As iPhones are upgraded and stadiums are built in major cities, people whose jobs were outsourced and their homes torn down are living on the streets, betrayed by the system they worked for all their lives. Our country has no idea where it’s going, where it wants to go, what it wants to do, or how it wants to go about getting there. Meanwhile, North Korea is once again testing nuclear weapons, just about every country in the world hates us (including ourselves), there’s war in Africa and Iraq and Iran and just about everywhere in that region, there’s death and disease in Africa and South America, the sky is on fire, the very air we breath is becoming constricted with our waste, we’re running out of room, we’re running out of food, we’re running out of resources, some of us a disappointed, a lot of us are frustrated, and everyone is angry, and everyone who has the power to do something about these things, isn’t.

The survival of the entire human race as a species is on the line. With the press of a button, the entire world could be blown to smithereens. If we avoid that, climate change will get us. If we avoid that, overcrowding will get us. If we avoid that, then there’s still a pretty good chance we’ll just kill each other anyway just because we’re all so bloody obsessed with the end of the world that the idea of living “happily ever after” is just way too fucking weird to cope with.

The best part is that all of these problems are our fault. It’s not just you, or just you, or just me. It’s everyone. Even Gandhi, and that guy was a frigging saint. How many people go their entire lives unhappy, completely unaware that the constitution they live under makes it their God-given duty to fuck up somebody’s shit if that shit ain’t working. A popular phrase these days is, “One man can’t make a difference.” Well hey, maybe if one man stood up, and then another, and then another, maybe a couple hundred one men, then the ball would start rolling? But no one’s doing anything about the problems they see, nobody’s fighting the system or fucking up their fair share of shit. That’s why we’re all a bunch of idiots.

We are dying from the air we breath, from the water we drink, from the food that we eat, and we’re talking about abortion as though it were the Issue to end all Issues. You know what I think? Put abortion on the backburner for a little while. Maybe put some of that energy into curing cancer or helping a friend fix their car or smiling at a baby every once in a while. Abortion is not the end of the world, ESPECIALLY when just about everything else is.

Is it sensationalist? Simplistic? Overbearing? Of course it is! That’s what opinion is all about, right? Everything is more complicated than what three pages of leftist dribble can possibly describe. But seriously? I think we can tackle that issue once we’ve gotten the more pressing matters figured out.

And yes, it is a complicated problem. I don’t think abortion is necessarily the right thing to do, but I believe in freedom of choice above everything else. But I also believe there are more pressing matters at hand here. Like gay marriage! God, those fags. But some wars you can never win…